Another Day Another Dollar ?

Another year has passed. And with that came new friends, new joy, new loss, new heartbreak. Another year older, yes, another year wiser ? Maybe. Less cynicism, probably. More reservations, definitely.

It`s a funny thing to sit down and calculate all the changes one has encountered over a space of given time. It`s like working backwards on a timeline unwinding a series of chain reactions. A feat I find nearly impossible seeing as virtually every time something does change the human reaction is to ask the question “why?” We choose to ignore what brought us to said conclusion despite having made every conscious decision along the way. As soon as an unforeseen or unwanted situation presents itself we release all personal responsibility and leave it to some unknown factor.

Lucky for me I`m not tiring myself with trying to figure out why exactly so much has changed over the year because that would assume that I am not happy with the decisions I`ve made and where the path has brought me. Instead I`m attempting to defy the laws of time to prevent any more change from occurring. I`ve grown accustomed to Paris, fell in love with it`s nuances and reached a level of comfortability I never imagined possible a year and a half ago. But Paris is fleeting, time is slipping out of my hands before I even know it`s there, and the day I am forced to go back to California is taunting me at the finish when time runs out.

And I feel that is how I will be leaving Paris. Out of force. There isn`t an ounce of volition in my mind, body or soul to go back to that country - to go back “home.” The idea of re-integrating into a lifestyle that was once all I knew is now so unfamiliar, so foreign, so exhausting. In essence it`s not change that I`m avoiding but changing back. All that will be left of Paris are stories sometimes told and my memories often visited.

Maybe it`s a question of preparation - not being ready to take steps that, in my mind, are backwards. But that`s the thing with change. Most of the time you don`t get the chance to prepare. No one is ever fully ready to accept change no matter how big or small. So will I ever be ready to back to the states ? Probably not. Will I get used to it ? Most likely. They`ll just have to take me kicking and screaming first.