So it`s safe to say that I have been completely and utterly freaking out about leaving. Now that the countdown is down to what, 39 days, it feels like time is moving in double speed. Its gotten to a point where every situation I`m in feels like it`s the last time I`ll ever be in that situation, the last time I`ll ever be with the people I`m with, the last time I`ll ever feel exactly the way I do at that point in time. I know my friends are fed up with hearing about Paris, and hearing about how scared I am and how badly I don`t want to leave (they`ve told me so themselves), but no matter what anyone tells me I can`t help but feel like I`m diving head first into some mysterious black hole blindfolded and completely alone. Because that is what I`m doing. No matter how much I try to prepare myself for my year ahead I really have no idea what it`s going to be like or how I`ll feel about any of it. For all any of us know I`ll get there and hate it (very doubtful, but hey, I`m just throwing it out there). My life in Long Beach is perfect and leaving it is the last thing I want to do in the entire world. I`ve made my lifelong friends, met my bridesmaids and had the most memorable experiences of my life. I`m even 4 for 4 semesters making the Dean's List. Imagining that the life I created there is going to continue whether I`m a part of it or not breaks my heart. It`s selfish for me to say this or feel this way but I hate knowing that I`m going to be missing out on memories that all my friends are creating together. They will all have a year of memories with each other that quite frankly, won`t contain me at all. How could I not feel forgettable?
So clearly I haven`t been looking forward to Paris at all this summer but a few nights ago I heard a few words that changed everything. It was something like "looking back and comparing only sets you up for devastation, you need to be able to look ahead and dream." Bingo. The words came out and everything in my mind fell into place. All the optimistic predictions of my life in Paris that my friends have been forcing into my brain actually seem believable. Who am I to bitch and complain about leaving my perfect life in Long Beach when HELLO ?! I`m going to be in PARIS. Long Beach will always be there when I get back. Nobody else is leaving Long Beach it`s not like I`m leaving and never going to see these people again. Yeah it will be a different life coming back from Paris but who is to say that different won`t be just as good, if not better ? I`m finally beginning to just be thankful that I was so fortunate in the first place to have made the friends I did and end up where I am now. These past two years have definitely been the best years of my life and they have given me a solid foundation to boost me into my next two years of college and come out on top. I`m sure a few friends will be lost, millions of tears will be shed and someone might forget about me. But in the end all of that won`t even matter. I`m 19 years old - still a teenager - and I`m moving 5,661 miles across the world away from everything and everyone that I know and love and I`m taking the biggest most important step in my life. I can finally see now that what I`m leaving behind is so small compared to what I`m going to gain. And it`s about time.
