Look At This Mess

Lately I`ve been having this recurring dream. And in this dream I`ve returned prematurely to the United States and can never figure out why I`m there. I feel out of place, disappointed as if I`d failed myself by not even being able to have one independent year abroad. And every time I`m doing everything possible to get back to France. I avoid seeing anyone I know because I don`t want them to know that I failed - that I couldn`t do it. It`s always a pride thing. It always feels as though the mystery is finally resolved for everyone but has just started for me.

Confusion and isolation envelop my brain`s capacity to properly function. Nothing makes sense. No one looks familiar. I can`t remember who I am or what I`m doing or how I got there. There`s always a physical constraint preventing me from making any significant progression. I`m trapped there idling in space not being able to put any of the pieces together. And that`s what my mystery consists of. This feeling of displacement without any explanation.

Your mystery is much more closely related to my actual life. No matter how many stories I tell or photos I take or thoughts I occasionally blog, there are always pieces missing from the puzzle. The way you assemble the pieces may or may not pertain to the reality of my life at all. And my physical absence (or your physical absence, depending how you look at it) is the reason for it. And there is no way around it unless there`s a way around the physical distance of objects and phenomena throughout the prevailing universe without being restricted by that little thing called time. In my head as soon as I`m back to the familiarity of the United States all of that disappears. I bring back all of the pieces from my puzzle and fit perfectly into the puzzle I left behind.

When I was little I was notorious for stealing one piece from every puzzle and hiding it so I would always be the one to "solve" the puzzle - to fill that last outstanding hole. And maybe I`m doing that again now, or maybe my future self already did it via a wrinkle in time. Maybe I hid a tiny little piece of me in this mess of a universe but don`t know where I hid it yet. And there`s no way of finding out without encountering some wrong pieces first. But with a little patience, and a little perseverance, all of the pieces are bound to fall together in time.